THE HURT BEFORE THE HEALING

She stood staring at his lifeless body, at a loss for words. Not knowing what to do or say, who to turn to or where to run to. She suddenly felt weak and all the strength she had was abruptly sucked out of her. Then the tears came. The unending flood of tears that she knew she would cry for a long time to come.

Her close friend was by her side holding on to her so that she wouldn’t fall to the ground. But at this point she didn’t care. She wanted to fall and never get up. She wanted everyone else to disappear and let her be. Let her drown in her sea of tears, her pain, her disbelief, her confusion, her anger. She just wanted to be alone. Yet she knew that if she was to be alone, she’d fall apart and there wouldn’t be a soul who would be able to pick her up.

So she sat down and stared into the nothingness before her. How could he be gone? Why so soon? Why when she had just began to know him and he had become an important part of her life? She knew deep down she would never get the answer. Still, she asked.

When the service was over, her friend took her home. She wanted to be alone but her nephew was right there at the door to receive her, excited that she was home early. An opportunity to play, for him. So she let him join her in her room and tried to be the aunt that wouldn't disappoint him, but still the tears came. That she couldn't control no matter how hard she tried. The little boy wondered why a grown-up was crying, but that’s just what she thought. She’ll never know what he was thinking. At this point a good friend came over and she asked to take him to lunch. God knew she needed a friend and a very good distraction. Food worked, it almost always does for her. So they went out and bought food and talked about random things. It was going well up until the dreaded question came up and she had to explain why she was down and why she wasn't at work.

She composed herself and answered the question. Being the awesome friend he was who somehow knew what she needed, he offered her a shoulder to cry on when she was ready. But in the meantime, games made a good distraction. The day was over and she didn't shed a tear.

But as the days went by all she could do was cry. When she heard a song that reminded her of him, cried herself to sleep, cried at the office, it’s like all she could do was cry. Sometimes, she felt like she was in pain literally and nothing could take it away. She didn't know how to get past this. Yes she had lost people before but not like this. Not someone she considered a friend and had been seeing almost every day. She had the support system of her other workmates and this somehow made things easier but it also meant that she wouldn't deal with it like she should. But honestly, how do you deal? Someone once told her that when it comes to death, you never get over it. You just learn to live with the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore.

All the while she continued to deal with things the way she knew she shouldn't. It took less strength to get lost, it was something she’d already started doing so why not continue. I guess when you miss the chance to make a change in someone’s life and they die, you feel responsible. You are responsible. That was one of the lowest points in her life if not the lowest. In the process, she walked away from people and things that she loved. She had to....

This story doesn't end in hopelessness. She doesn't fade into oblivion. She makes a conscious decision to let go of the hurt, the pain, the regret… she makes a decision to fight another day. To not give in to depression and any other form of destruction her heart and soul didn't need. And slowly she’s getting there. The joy coming back to her life. The healing happening without her really noticing. Being removed from the place that she felt she needed to be to the place where God knew she should be so that he could heal her. Running away didn't help, it never has.

Yes she misses him, yes she still cries, yes it still hurts, but now it’s bearable because she knows that it’s not her own strength that’s working in her life. She may not go back to the relationships she had before but new ones have formed and she knows that they are just what she needs. She may not do some of things she used to, but the ones meant for her, she’ll find a way back to them.

There is no formula to dealing with death. All one can do is surrender every feeling to God and let Him take you through it. Easier said than done? Well, it beats drowning your sorrows in all the things that will leave you emptier. Trust me on that. There’s a certain peace that God gives that no one and nothing else can. One that surpasses all understanding. You don’t understand it and you don’t need to. But it’s the kind of peace you need when things around you are falling apart. The kind of peace that keeps you grounded.