STORIES THAT HAUNT US

We all have a story to tell. A story that brings back painful memories, memories we’d rather leave behind.

We've all been through something we never ever imagined we’d go through. Things that have left us broken, lost, wondering if anything in life really has meaning. Some of us have been put through things that have left us wounded, hurt, confused. Things that took our innocence away. Some of us chose those things for we didn't know better. Or maybe we did, but we ignored our conscience… We all have reasons for the choices we've made.

We've all lost something or someone who meant a whole lot to us. And in that moment we've been left hopeless, broken-hearted, angry and bitter because we didn't know why we had to lose them and go through such pain. Some of us still don’t have the answer to the question why. So we let it get us down and lead us down a path that no one should have to walk. One of bitterness, depressions, resentment and self-destruction. That is not the way to live this life, yet we find ourselves there.

We've all been at the point where we feel like the only way we’ll see tomorrow is through a miracle. Some of us have almost lost their lives and some have almost taken theirs. Desperation and hopelessness can make one do things that they've never dreamed of.

Our stories can be painful and sometimes we only learn to live with the pain, not heal from it. And when we live with it, we still feel it and at times we just don’t want to deal with it. Sometimes we’re still bitter and it shows no matter how hard we try to hide it.

Some of us have stories that go from bad to worse. Just when we think it’s over, we realize that it’s only beginning. Nightmarish describes it best.

We all cry at some point in our lives and sometimes all we ever seem to do behind closed doors is cry. Forget what the rest of the world sees. That’s a façade. It’s easier to let the world think that we’re happy than for it to see us in the deep mess or hell that is our life. “They won’t understand, they won’t help, they have their own issues they don’t need mine.” That’s what we tell ourselves and sometimes it’s true. But sometimes we do reach out and all we get is judgment, abandonment, pity….. All the things we don’t want or need. So why reach out? Why not just die with our problems?

I have a story a story that brings back painful memories, a story that no one really knows, a story that only God knows from beginning to end. All I've written down, I've gone through in one way or another and I know exactly what it’s like to be desperate, hopeless and to never want to see another day.

But, in that hopelessness I found something priceless, something I’ve never experienced before. I found love, joy, peace and hope. Unconditional love that is, not just a word thrown around with ulterior motives.

I found God! I say that because He was there all the time waiting for me to notice. And when I did, I realized that I didn’t have to live with the pain, but heal from it. And it’s Him who’ll heal me. Only Him. His healing isn’t always immediate. It takes time sometimes. Other times it depends on how soon you surrender the hurt and pain to Him. How much you want to let it go. How willing you are to forgive and start to heal. His yoke is easy and His burden light (Mat 11:28-30), yes it is. I know it for a fact. But like I said, the healing isn't always immediate.

So in such moments we need to remember this one thing. It’s not going to last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal. Selah

I've come to learn that there is no pain or hurt or mistake or ANYTHING too big for God to take care of or take away. He gives the kind of peace that no one else gives. He brings the kind of joy that no man/woman/job can give. He deals with our problems waaaaay better than we do. Turning to alcohol or drugs, binging or shopping, sex or porn or however else we deal with our stresses….. That’s not His way!!

He is LOVE!! It’s only fitting that He handle our baggage in a way that mirrors that love. Not in a way that leaves us with hangovers or regrets or emptiness. He can handle ANYTHING you've done or what someone else has done to you. He can handle any sickness, disease, addictions… He can handle it ALL. He can handle you and all your crazy and by the time He’s done with you, all your crazy will be gone. It’s a process. One only you can begin, by taking a leap of faith. One that requires perseverance to the very end.

We ALL have painful stories, some too hard to bear. But with Christ you can heal and be made whole. Just because your life has been full of pain doesn't mean it should end with pain. He gives peace to our weary souls. There’s hope. I know there’s hope because it’s been shown to me. Jesus loves you just as you are, with all your issues, pain, despair… there’ll never be anything that can separate you from His love. (Romans 8:35-39) NOTHING!!

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So now I lay my head to rest, grateful for the words He’s given me. Praying that someone will read this and choose to let go of their pain. When God dries your tears, you’ll only get stronger.

THE ELUSIVE LEAVE

If you work a nine to five job like some of us do, then I’m pretty sure you’ll relate to this. I just had to write about my experience. So you’ve worked hard all year, never taking leave not because you don’t want to miss anything, but because there’s just too much work. That and the fact that you’re new so you’re not entitled to leave until after a certain period of time. 

So the time comes to finally take leave and you can’t because you still have so much work. So you keep working until the work load reduces but guess what? That never happens. Free advice, take the leave days no matter what. If you do, you’ll avoid the situation where your body shuts down because it needs to rest. You become so edgy and irritated you don’t even want anyone to breathe in your direction, especially those who irritate you. You cave in and finally take leave and people seem reluctant to let you as if they’re doing you a favor.

So you finally do that and guess what? It’s the best feeling not to wake up in the morning to go anywhere. You feel great. But the thing is, you have a list of stuff you need to do with housework topping that list. You have to shop for household necessities, then you have meetings to attend which you normally don't because of work, then you have to run around in the CBD to follow up on your lost ID which by the way you don’t get to because systems are down. The systems are always down on the specific day when you go to Huduma Centre. And because you work 9-5 you wonder when you’ll ever get to it. Despite that, you still have to go to the bank to pick your new pin and chip card and because you waited until the last minute, it takes you an hour. That means you leave town at maybe 4, bear with the jam and the day is over. 

The rest of the week is spent with friends and family. You decide to go visit your mum and decide to help her clean up and you get so wrapped up in rearranging things that a whole day goes by. And then you don’t really sleep well because you’re not in your own bed…. Man!! Before you know it the week is over and so is your leave. And you really need another where you can just chill but if your life is anything like mine you’ll find that you never really just chill. 

So it’s done, you enjoy it and ready yourself for Monday. That is until you realize that you still have some things to do and so you take Monday off too. You decide go back on Tuesday (when you have your Tuesday Morning Meetings aka TMM). Not the best day either but you have to go back sometime, right? Somehow, that Monday doesn’t go so well despite it being your last “free day” but oh well, you accept and move on. 

Tuesday morning comes, you wake up early so that you don’t get late, prepare and leave in good time. Then you realize that the Trade Fair is on so transport is very tricky especially because you live in a place that is always affected by the Annual Trade Fair better known as the Show. Water included by the way. So much for the Show officials saying they have their own supply of water. Anyway, you continue with your journey after a God sent matatu comes your way only for the matatu not to get you to your destination because there is a police inspection or like we love to call it, a crackdown. And then that makes you realize that you need to start getting on buses but they take forever to fill up so…. 

So you walk the rest of your distance and then get another matatu to your final destination after it successfully passes the police inspection. Now you’re happy to be well on your way and after the few hurdles, you’re good to go. And then, your friend sends you this and tells you you won’t make it.

This time it’s not your fault but no employer is going to hear you out, especially after they warned people not to be coming late especially on Tuesday’s. Or is it every day? Who knows? After all, you were on leave. 

So you briskly walk to the office which however fast you walk, is always 10 minutes away from the bus stop. And guess what? You make it 5 minutes before time and are in the office 3 minutes before time. This is where Pharell’s Happy makes so much sense. And, sadly that’s the end of the break. It’s back to business as usual.

That is basically how my one week off has been and now I realize why the use of the term leave. You leave the office to relax at home. And then you keep leaving the house to take care of other things. Leave, leave, and leave, until you finally leave the house back to the office. This is where you laugh at my puns. I’m not seasoned in those so show a lady some support. But I must say, a week away from the office does wonders. I’m now ready for whatever, I have a lot of energy and I’m super bubbly. Ask me in another two weeks, that bubbliness, will be a thing of the past. It’s just not in my nature. I still don’t get this leave thing. I’m sure I will when I can afford to go on a real holiday.


But all in all I enjoyed my time away. Time spent with friends, time spent with family, time spent with God. 

THE USUAL SUSPECTS – OFFICE EDITION

The know it all, the serious one, the chic with the attitude (yes, it’s almost always a chic), the friendly one who says hi to everyone every single day, the sarcastic one who’s so sarcastic you can’t really tell when they are and when they aren't, the smooth one (yes, its almost always a dude), the annoying one who has a thing for bugging people, and everything in between. Everyone who works in an office knows that these characters NEVER miss out in any setting. And that, is what makes office life so interesting. So, let’s delve right into these characters.

In every place that I have worked (and they’re not many) I have always come across such characters. Let’s start with the know-it-all. The thing about this kind of person is that they started their persona way back in school so it’s a habit they can’t quite ditch. (It’s one thing to know everything and it’s another to think you know everything, so if you fall in this category then make sure you actually DO know everything.) This is the kind of person who never and I mean NEVER misses a chance to give their input, opinion, knowledge, you name it. Good thing about them is that they almost always have an answer to everything, but sometimes their answers are not always practical. And they can be very annoying. You can’t live with them sometimes, but you also can’t live without them.

The one with the attitude… this one has issues. I don’t know how else to explain it because, why would you give someone a look that could kill them if your eyes were a weapon? Unfortunately this is almost always a lady, though I have met guys with this kind of attitude as well. This one has a rude comment ready each time and when they don’t, the dagger look is enough. Avoid this person at all costs if you’re one of those people who get easily offended. Trust me they can bring out the bad in you, mess up your good mood and you could easily become as bitter as they are. If you’re one of those people with a heart bigger than the open skies, take time to find out what their problem is and turn their frown into a smile.

The serious one. Now, this is one person whom I don’t get. I can be serious and I can be very unserious and bubbly and all that. The latter sometimes wears me out and I need time to recover, but that’s beside the point. I honestly don’t get people who are so serious all the time. When do you laugh, play, let loose, have fun? No seriously, when? My take is that this person always has something they need to do and therefore no time to stop and chitchat with the rest.

The ever jolly, friendly one. Now this is one of those people who brighten up your day regardless of who you are. They always have a huge smile to give to anyone they come across, always in a good mood, have so much energy all the time (unless they’re sick), they are the kind of people who could hug your blues away. I love these people, but I wonder, don’t they ever get tired of smiling? Sometimes these kind of people find it very hard to focus and disrupt others who are busy focusing on their work. These guys are usually loud almost all the time. You just want to shush them sometimes or send them to a naughty corner :-)

The annoying guy. This is the kind who’s annoying not just because you think so, but because everyone thinks so and most importantly because they are. The kind who would interrupt a conversation without caring, the one who feels they have to talk to everyone, the one who has so much to say yet they end up saying so little, the one who would be the first to die in a movie just because they’re annoying. The one who can sour up your mood just from getting a glimpse of them, the one who’s always looking for attention... the annoying one.

In comes the sarcastic one. Now, I have friends like these and trust me, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them sarcasm just oozes out of their mouths and you’re a target. It’s a way of life for them really. Woe to you if you’re the target of their sarcasm. If you’re one of those bubbly ones or are not really keen on what they’re saying, you could completely miss their sarcastic comments towards you. They are not the nicest sometimes but they’re pretty cool people. Plus, you may never get to know that they’re not nice.

Another character is the quiet one. You know, the one who just observes people and makes up their own conclusions. Goodness knows what they’re thinking and why. Wouldn't it be easier just to ask and get an answer or get to know someone? I don’t think you would ever want to know what goes through their heads. It could be good but it could also be bad. And by the way most of the time they won’t share what they’re thinking in the first place. This kind of person can be so closed up and secluded you don’t get to know their second name.

There's the smooth dude who hits on anyone and everyone in the office. Yes, its almost always a dude. This one can charm the daylights out of you and if you fall prey to them, lets just say bitter wont even begin to describe how you'll end up. It doesn't matter what they say and how they say it or if they appear to be sincere... stay away from them. Yes they may be very good looking, but still. In this category is also the one who thinks they can hit on every lady in the office and yet they don't even have the charm or the looks to pull it off. they make you go, "Dude seriously?? Can you do what brought you to this office?" (As you  seriously roll your eyes). This one can bring out the attitude in anyone. 

One last one for the purposes of not turning this into a novel, is the oblivious or clueless one. This is one of those people who lives in their own world. Yes they’re in the office, but for some reason things just pass them by. They make you ask questions like, “Do you work here, or is it just your 3D image that comes to work?” I guess it’s just not worth it to keep up with other things that are not directly related to their work. I've interacted with characters like this some of who are not really that weird and some who are way up there on the weird scale. It could go either way when it comes to such characters.

If you don’t fall in any of these categories, and you probably do even though you won’t admit it, then you’re one of those who’s everything in between. You could be any of the above characters on different days and that’s alright. You like to switch things up deliberately or otherwise. So where do you lie? Be honest with yourself and know that ALL the characters I’ve talked about are very important and are needed to make office life exciting. So much so that I had to write about it. So which category do I fall into? Why don’t you tell me? :-) 

THE HURT BEFORE THE HEALING

She stood staring at his lifeless body, at a loss for words. Not knowing what to do or say, who to turn to or where to run to. She suddenly felt weak and all the strength she had was abruptly sucked out of her. Then the tears came. The unending flood of tears that she knew she would cry for a long time to come.

Her close friend was by her side holding on to her so that she wouldn’t fall to the ground. But at this point she didn’t care. She wanted to fall and never get up. She wanted everyone else to disappear and let her be. Let her drown in her sea of tears, her pain, her disbelief, her confusion, her anger. She just wanted to be alone. Yet she knew that if she was to be alone, she’d fall apart and there wouldn’t be a soul who would be able to pick her up.

So she sat down and stared into the nothingness before her. How could he be gone? Why so soon? Why when she had just began to know him and he had become an important part of her life? She knew deep down she would never get the answer. Still, she asked.

When the service was over, her friend took her home. She wanted to be alone but her nephew was right there at the door to receive her, excited that she was home early. An opportunity to play, for him. So she let him join her in her room and tried to be the aunt that wouldn't disappoint him, but still the tears came. That she couldn't control no matter how hard she tried. The little boy wondered why a grown-up was crying, but that’s just what she thought. She’ll never know what he was thinking. At this point a good friend came over and she asked to take him to lunch. God knew she needed a friend and a very good distraction. Food worked, it almost always does for her. So they went out and bought food and talked about random things. It was going well up until the dreaded question came up and she had to explain why she was down and why she wasn't at work.

She composed herself and answered the question. Being the awesome friend he was who somehow knew what she needed, he offered her a shoulder to cry on when she was ready. But in the meantime, games made a good distraction. The day was over and she didn't shed a tear.

But as the days went by all she could do was cry. When she heard a song that reminded her of him, cried herself to sleep, cried at the office, it’s like all she could do was cry. Sometimes, she felt like she was in pain literally and nothing could take it away. She didn't know how to get past this. Yes she had lost people before but not like this. Not someone she considered a friend and had been seeing almost every day. She had the support system of her other workmates and this somehow made things easier but it also meant that she wouldn't deal with it like she should. But honestly, how do you deal? Someone once told her that when it comes to death, you never get over it. You just learn to live with the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore.

All the while she continued to deal with things the way she knew she shouldn't. It took less strength to get lost, it was something she’d already started doing so why not continue. I guess when you miss the chance to make a change in someone’s life and they die, you feel responsible. You are responsible. That was one of the lowest points in her life if not the lowest. In the process, she walked away from people and things that she loved. She had to....

This story doesn't end in hopelessness. She doesn't fade into oblivion. She makes a conscious decision to let go of the hurt, the pain, the regret… she makes a decision to fight another day. To not give in to depression and any other form of destruction her heart and soul didn't need. And slowly she’s getting there. The joy coming back to her life. The healing happening without her really noticing. Being removed from the place that she felt she needed to be to the place where God knew she should be so that he could heal her. Running away didn't help, it never has.

Yes she misses him, yes she still cries, yes it still hurts, but now it’s bearable because she knows that it’s not her own strength that’s working in her life. She may not go back to the relationships she had before but new ones have formed and she knows that they are just what she needs. She may not do some of things she used to, but the ones meant for her, she’ll find a way back to them.

There is no formula to dealing with death. All one can do is surrender every feeling to God and let Him take you through it. Easier said than done? Well, it beats drowning your sorrows in all the things that will leave you emptier. Trust me on that. There’s a certain peace that God gives that no one and nothing else can. One that surpasses all understanding. You don’t understand it and you don’t need to. But it’s the kind of peace you need when things around you are falling apart. The kind of peace that keeps you grounded.